This will work different now, I’ll be better.

“I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.”

   I finally realised that over all this years it wasn’t you. It was me, all the time.

   I want to say "Sorry." for everybody who knows me. I know that during all this time I wasn’t a very “good” person, I’ve always talked about my problems and stuff, forgetting to be happy and to appreciate the amazing life I’m living. Always bringing myself down by little things I did to myself and hoping somebody would say "No, you're wonderful.". I think everything is also kind of related to my self esteem. I don't like when people know the meaning of my last name because I'm afraid people come up with expectations. And, as you see, I’m very pessimistic, in everyway, but I want to change it.

   I’ve seen that there are not a lot of people who actually care about me, of course some of my real friends and family do (I hope so), as much as I care about them. But, the point is, I was always trying to get some attention saying “Hey, I’m here too, notice me!”. And I got that stupid that I began to think that if something big and bad would happen to me people maybe would notice me. I don’t like much attention sometimes, but sometimes I really wish I could have some of it.

   I am the worst person on the earth in judging people, I really am. Every time I get to know somebody and if that person looks nice to me, I automatically don’t let such a friend go. I hold on to some particular "friends", forgetting that I'll know a lot more people in my whole life and that people come and go with time. I hate myself for doing that, because it, most of the times, turns out wrong. I give people too many opportunities to see if it’ll work, but I shouldn’t do it. I should say “No. I can’t anymore and I don’t want to.”. Like my mom, if somebody screws up something with her, she’ll never forgive. But I do, I do forgive, but too much.

   This is a note for you and for me. Today I’ll start something new, I’ll try to be more careful and to be happier, to appreciate what I have in life or even for being alive. This will work different now, I’ll be better.